So, tonight was the last night of my German I class. We had dinner at a local restaurant and used a tiny bit of German to order. It was really just an excuse to go out to eat, not that I have a problem with that - my roulladen and knödel were quite good and my German salat was as good as any other German salat, if not better. However, as it was the last day and a more social event than the actual classes were, I got involved in more conversation than I previously had. Well, I'll be the first to tell folks that I am a blithering social idiot. As a matter of fact, I have told a group of folks that, precisely that, and they laughed; perhaps out of lack of understanding that I was serious or perhaps because they realized just how serious I was and statements like that make people uncomfortable. Probably the latter, hmmm. Either way, it's true. I am an idiot when it comes to social encounters. Either I stay relatively quiet and uncomfortably wait for the obligation to pass, or I open up my mouth and stick my foot in just as far as it will go. Now, I'm not saying that I don't feel the things I say to be true, nor am I saying that I wouldn't stand by my opinions if challenged, heck, in hindsight it is very infrequent for me to regret having said any of those things, but I am saying that I can't stand the feeling I'm left with at the end of a night like tonight. This evening, for example, driving home I went through all of the things I'd said and how much of an idiot I'd seemed. Which is weird, because I don't think anything I think is stupid (if I did I wouldn't think it anymore, duh!) yet I'm left with this uncomfortable feeling. So, if I'm okay with what I've said, why should I be worried about what other folks are thinking of what I've said? I think the inherent problem is that somewhere in the last couple of years I've allowed myself to be more comfortable in social situations but while I've backed off on that front I haven't backed off on my shyness. Weird, huh? A person whose mouth runs like she's drunk but doesn't have to wait until the next morning for the regret to set in. I still consider myself to be quite shy, but I don't think most folks would see it. It's hard to see shy when a person's mouth is going a mile a minute, but it's just the only source I can see for why I get to feeling like this. Perhaps it's because I simultaneously put myself out there as true and honest and who I really am, but I am aware that it is very hard for people to see all of the parts, especially not in one night, and so I must necessarily come across with missing information. I'm like a building that a person can see and touch and say "Oh, so this is an Alysn." but what they don't see is all of the complicated stuff inside the walls that makes it all stand up and work. As honest as I try to be, there is no way for someone to understand everything and see all of me. You would think the obvious solution would be to hold back and not allow people the ability to mistake me for something simple, but I'm not comfortable with that either. I guess I need to develop a comfort level with people not liking me, accept that there is no way people can know the whole me, that even if they did know the whole me they still might not like me and that's okay. God, do people really feel that way?
Monday, July 23, 2007
So many issues I should come with a warning label . . .
So, tonight was the last night of my German I class. We had dinner at a local restaurant and used a tiny bit of German to order. It was really just an excuse to go out to eat, not that I have a problem with that - my roulladen and knödel were quite good and my German salat was as good as any other German salat, if not better. However, as it was the last day and a more social event than the actual classes were, I got involved in more conversation than I previously had. Well, I'll be the first to tell folks that I am a blithering social idiot. As a matter of fact, I have told a group of folks that, precisely that, and they laughed; perhaps out of lack of understanding that I was serious or perhaps because they realized just how serious I was and statements like that make people uncomfortable. Probably the latter, hmmm. Either way, it's true. I am an idiot when it comes to social encounters. Either I stay relatively quiet and uncomfortably wait for the obligation to pass, or I open up my mouth and stick my foot in just as far as it will go. Now, I'm not saying that I don't feel the things I say to be true, nor am I saying that I wouldn't stand by my opinions if challenged, heck, in hindsight it is very infrequent for me to regret having said any of those things, but I am saying that I can't stand the feeling I'm left with at the end of a night like tonight. This evening, for example, driving home I went through all of the things I'd said and how much of an idiot I'd seemed. Which is weird, because I don't think anything I think is stupid (if I did I wouldn't think it anymore, duh!) yet I'm left with this uncomfortable feeling. So, if I'm okay with what I've said, why should I be worried about what other folks are thinking of what I've said? I think the inherent problem is that somewhere in the last couple of years I've allowed myself to be more comfortable in social situations but while I've backed off on that front I haven't backed off on my shyness. Weird, huh? A person whose mouth runs like she's drunk but doesn't have to wait until the next morning for the regret to set in. I still consider myself to be quite shy, but I don't think most folks would see it. It's hard to see shy when a person's mouth is going a mile a minute, but it's just the only source I can see for why I get to feeling like this. Perhaps it's because I simultaneously put myself out there as true and honest and who I really am, but I am aware that it is very hard for people to see all of the parts, especially not in one night, and so I must necessarily come across with missing information. I'm like a building that a person can see and touch and say "Oh, so this is an Alysn." but what they don't see is all of the complicated stuff inside the walls that makes it all stand up and work. As honest as I try to be, there is no way for someone to understand everything and see all of me. You would think the obvious solution would be to hold back and not allow people the ability to mistake me for something simple, but I'm not comfortable with that either. I guess I need to develop a comfort level with people not liking me, accept that there is no way people can know the whole me, that even if they did know the whole me they still might not like me and that's okay. God, do people really feel that way?
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First off, you're right, it's Ok if some people don't completely understand you or even like you. Frankly there are some people out there that I would actually kind of be insulted if I found out they like me. Second, the invisible internal wiring thing, yeah, I get myself in trouble (especially at my last job) for that all the time. When people ask questions like "How are ya?" They usually only want answers like either "Fine" or "Ok", while I'm willing to bet 99.9% of the population do not fit exactly into these categories. I think that's why a have a reputation for telling funny (at least I think so) stories about my friends and family; it's kind of like showing people glimpses of the blueprints without losing their attention by showing all the exact measurements.
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